This is 2021

 

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all made it out of 2020 safe and healthy. While everyone had a tough time, I hope some good came out of that garbage year too. 

2021 has started off with the same uncertainty that flowed through 2020 like the Mississippi River. But not all of it is bad- I might be getting a job soon. I interviewed back in December, and while we aren't officially being told if we passed on to the next stage or not until January 6th, the website this company uses updates your application status, and mine currently says eligible list. I haven't worked in almost eleven years, so I am nervous to say the least. My kids aren't thrilled at the idea of me not being around as much anymore, but its really time for me to get out and make some money. I have spent almost eleven years volunteering like its my job- but the lack of paycheck has contributed a lot to my burnout (did I just admit that I'm tired of volunteering? I never thought I'd utter those words). 

2021 will see a continued version of my health journey (that post is coming soon). Depending on the job, that might change it a lot (and if I don't get it, then I have nothing to worry about). But I have to try because I have learned that I am tired of being stagnant. That's another one of those realizations that I didn't think I'd ever come to. I have felt uncomfortable and unhappy about a lot of things for a very long time, and last year gave me all the (unwanted) time to really think about and magnify those things. And I can't really ignore them anymore. 

I don't have any particularly inspirational quote to leave you with- so I will just say that I hope this year is a great one- whatever that looks like for you. We're all still here, and living is half the battle. 

Who Knew Underwear Could Make You Cry?

A surprising side effect of all this COVID stuff is that I have been organizing things like crazy. Usually its nice to get rid of things you don't need, but I found that cleaning out my underwear/sock drawers kinda made me feel sad. Which is weird- right?

I've mentioned before that I've gained some COVID weight, so I found that a lot of things weren't fitting me correctly. Pair that with an old dryer that liked to make holes in everything (we got rid of it a few months back, but the damaged goods were still living in my drawer), and I was long overdue for this. I wasn't prepared for the feelings that cleaning these particular drawers would conjur up. I found old underwear that were easily fifteen years old. I couldn't fit into them anymore, but they were like happy memories. They were in that beginning period when my husband and I were first dating, no kids and free do to what we pleased. There were some that I knew I had bought for special occassions. There were some that can only be kindly classified as granny panties, from the times when I just felt like nothing was going right. Growing up- it was just me and my dad. Time spent with my mom was a big deal. And I remember that even when I was really little, she would always tell me that underwear needed to be fun. You can see from that pile above that I subscribe to that wholeheartedly. But looking through that pile as I was cleaning, I felt depressed. I felt stunted. I saw all the different sizes that I had been, I saw the remnants of my geek life blog (because everything about you had to be geeky to have one, right?), I wondered if my husband ever felt less attracted to me because I was practically wearing underoos. It shows all the times I tried to be someone I'm not. It was just all of these things. 

The sock drawer was about the same. Once I got rid of all the holey, no matched or ugly ones, I noticed that I don't have one solid color pair of socks. Not one. They're all patterns or holiday themed. Again, am I a child or an adult? (That blanket the pile is on is also result of a similar identity crisis I suffered in regards to my shirts. I was told I wore too many shirts with logos and I wasn't dressing age appropriately. So I got them made into a comfy blanket and now only wear solids, which feels very blah to me.)

Its natural to go through changes, but that doesn't mean you're always prepared for them. Was I prepared to cry over some undies and socks? No. But I know that cleaning those drawers out was necessary for me. Sometimes you just have to move on- even if it is just from one style of panties to the next.

Changes

Its been about three month since I wrote that last post, saying I was motivated and needed an outlet. It doesn't seem like three months, but honestly, everything just blends together now. I started making a website for my PTA district about two weeks ago, and I realized that I missed making my own blog (also, Wordpress is hard lol, and I don't know why we chose that one). I have a paper journal that I've been using too, but even lately I just haven't had the energy for it.

From the perspective of current events, things certainly haven't gotten better in that time frame. We had a touch of murder hornets, and great social uprising over racism and equality. Riots happened, monuments were destroyed. Theres been crazy weather- earthquakes and mud rain (all situational to your location of course). Social media has caused companies to clean house in the gaming and wrestling communities, as far as abusers are concerned. States started to reopen and now COVID-19 is spreading like crazy again. 2020 is really shaping up to be a dumpster fire like no other. 

Gif from Entertainment Earth.

Personally, I'm at dumpster fire level myself. I have been super depressed for almost two months now, and it is not getting any better. Usually I can pull myself out, but this time is different. I keep hoping that some day soon I can get back to feeling like normal. 

I don't really have much to say right now, I just wanted to say hey to everyone. I do have some content coming up though- so make sure to check back :) 

Also, I'd like to leave you with Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire. Still very relevant.

So About This Coronavirus.....

Its funny how quickly things can change.

I started this blog in 2018, because I had abandoned a blog I loved so much. Things were getting hard and instead of giving myself a break, I just walked away. I had every intention of doing better with this one. That lasted about a month, and then I just couldn't (those posts are all archived now). I came back to this one though, because I need an outlet. Personally, I can't say things got any better. They actually got a lot worse. But not having anywhere to express myself has been so hard. I don't know if anyone will even read this thing (are blogs still a thing, or am I supposed to be doing this on Instagram now?), but its a thing I need for me.

The coronavirus has basically turned everyone's life upside down to some degree, and it seemed like it happened in a matter of days. Its weird to go out and there's hardly any traffic. Or that store shelves are completely empty of everything you could ever want (and definately need). Its like shopping for the holidays has gone on steroids. The people working jobs that nobody cared anything about have now become the most essential of workers, maybe even placed over our first responders and medical personnel. And all of the schools are closed- kids are home like its summer vacation, except they know that now is not the time for that.

For me, things have changed only in that I see my husband more stressed out (hes a first responder), I have lost any alone time (which sounds incredibly selfish, but I've found that for my depression its necessary), and my kids are so moody (neither one of them is fantastic with change). Its been difficult but not impossible to get groceries. And I confirmed that I still have horrible timing, as I got a gym membership literally days before they declared the national emergency and started shutting nonessential businesses down.

How are you coping with this thing? Have things changed for you or a loved one? Are you just really loving all the takeout and Netflix binges? Let me know. Because like they say- we're all in this together.

Social distancing. The new normal.